This is a little piece I wrote for Angels by Day, our favourite day nursery, a few years ago. In the end it was heavily edited as it was perhaps a little scary for little people to cope with, but here it is in full. I think the logic behind it still makes lots and lots of sense.
Hello I’m an apple. A lovely Bramley Apple.
The nicest apple in the whole wide Veld.
I’m so tired. I just feel horrible and battered and bruised and awful. I haven’t always been like this, so let me tell you a little about my life.
I was born about three months ago in south Africa in a beautiful warm sunny place in a shady orchard with a lovely river running at the bottom of the garden. I was sure my life was going to be idyllic. I remember when I was just a blossom having big plans to be the tastiest apple the world had ever seen.
When I started to sprout, I was sprayed with this nasty chemical stuff. They told me it was to protect me and help me grow, but it just made me smell funny and feel all dirty. After this I went on a bit of a growth spurt and pretty soon was one of the big boys.
And just as I was starting to feel like a leggy teenager all spotty and gangly and a bit too big for my body, this massive machine came and pulled us off the tree and well fell into a huge washing machine. We tumbled about for ages and ages and I thought we were being washed, but when we rolled out, I had this horrid waxy stuff all over my skin. Eeeugh!
I fell onto another big conveyer belt and shot along bashing into my brothers, cousins and loads of apples I’d never even met before. It was very scary. I just wanted to go home to my simple life.
Suddenly we shot into a spinning machine and were all wrapped in a strange blue paper, a bit like toilet roll but harder on my young fresh skin and I was thrown into a box in a little solitary compartment that didn’t quite fit my shape properly that made me really uncomfortable and my bottom ache.
But then it got worse. They started to chill the box down until we were all shivering with cold.
I don’t remember much about the next few months other than it was dark and cold and we rolled about with the movement of the sea and the bumping of some different lorries and trucks. For the whole of this time we were freezing, dark and very lonely. I couldn’t believe my life could get any worse…
…but it did.
We were thrust into the light feeling travel sick and awful and thrown onto a shelf ready for the lovely humans to come and eat us.
But back to the present day, you’ve seen what I’ve been through and how hard a life I’ve had. My vitamins have gone, I’m waxy, tired and horrible. I’ll never live up to my potential taste. Eat me if you dare, but I bet you wouldn’t swap my life for yours.
The nicest apple in the world
Hello I’m a Bramley apple. I heard about my cousin from South Africa, the poor thing, he has been tortured for his whole life and I look at how I’ve been brought up and feel so sorry for him and the poor people who have to eat him.
I grew up in Southwell, just North of Nottingham. The farmer who looked after me was a lovely man. He let me grow up slowly and nurtured me with natural and healthy food so I grew big and strong and tasty – in my own good time.
I can’t wait for the day when he’ll pick me to be the one for your tea. Believe me I’m ready. Its what I’m trained to do. You see I’m fresh, naturally strong and the kids will just LOVE me.